The Match
by ImNotALeviathan
Summary: When Spider-Man joins the Avengers, he's more than thrilled. But that Deadpool will not stop texting him and sending him mountains of emojis
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

"Get up already!"

Peter jumped up a foot and landed back on his face, still in bed.

Some voice that he thought was Aunt Mays was calling him. But Aunt May was still in New York, how was she here? Literally climbing out of bed, Peter was already wearing his, his, well his costume. He combed on the wall up to the ceiling. The door was slightly open so he crawled out of his apartment bedroom near a stark tower, to his long time home in New York. He was still climbing on the ceiling and saw Aunt May and Uncle Ben eating waffles.

But over by the stove was a mystery person, making the waffles. Turning around, Peter say Deadpool, making his famous fluffy waffles.

Looking up, Deadpool saw the little Spider-Man staring at him.

"Well why don't you come on down, I got chocolate syrup!"

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Sitting up Peter slammed his fist into his alarm clock, breaking it. For the third time at least.

Quietly groaning to himself, he got up and grabbed his phone. Looking through the notifications, their was a meeting today and everyone was to where their full outfit. Masks, capes and so on.

He shook his head, wondering why SHEILD was so, so, picky. For lack for a better word. Spider-Man dawned his mask, completely forgetting about his dream. He looked at the text again and saw he's 5 minutes late.

Great, his first actual meeting, and he's already late. Slipping the phone in his hidden pocket, the amazing Spider-Man slid open his window and free fell to the lamppost below his apartment. He swung around a little to distract the photographers. Now he understands how people got so annoyed with him.

Swinging up to the tower, where the meetings were held. He landed perfectly on the side of the building, and started to climb up.

Looking into the window, he saw everyone else in there. He knocked a couple of time and Tony opened the glass.

Stepping in, Spider-Man said "You think we could add a handle or something? I hate to knock all the time"

"Kid, you got a new suit, calm down a little bit" Tony never really wore the suit everywhere as it was a little annoying to keep repairing the floor.

Looking around Spider-Man saw the food table and headed strait towards it. Vision is there, standing ridged as usual. Nodding a hello, Spider-Man grabbed a slice of pizza.

Taking a step over to Vision, Spider-Man had a question to ask.

"Hey, you know what this meeting a about?"

Vision continued to watch everyone but did reply to the spider, giving him a glance.

"Yes, I know. SHEILD invited us to mingle and trade phone numbers so we can become better aquatinted."

"Oh" was all Spider-Man could get out.

Vision was somewhat oblivious to the awkward silence but he did know how to end it quickly.

"I suppose we should exchange numbers then"

"Yeah, I guess we should, that is why we're here"

They exchanged numbers and Spider-Man went back for scones on the pizza.

Right when he reached for a pepperoni slice, and about to lift his mask up, a voice behind him made him jump a little.

"So, you new in town, huh?"

Looking over his shoulder, the spider saw the infamous Deadpool.

"Yeah, actually, I, I kinda am"

He didn't know what to say, usually his spider senses told him about people. But they did have a little bit of trouble with certain mutants.

"Aw," Deadpool sighed, "the new guy, standing quietly in a corner, eating all the pizza, I might add"

Reaching for what seemed to be one slice, Deadpool grabbed five, lifted his mask above the top lip and shoved all five in, taking a massive bite.

Spider-Man just stared and couldn't quite process what he just saw. Quickly trying to find a way to end the strange situation, he pulls out the phone that SHEILD provided him with. He went through and saw that Vision gave him his number and name, nothing more. Scrolling through he added in his private phone number and put it under the name "Mom"

Nobody except Tony really knew about his past, and he assumed that if they found his phone and were scrolling through it, they would leave the name mom alone. But, who really knew.

Out of no where, a red gloved hand grabbed the phone and laughed.

Spider-Man had sensed Deadpool was going to do something, but he assumed it had been something else. Looking up, getting ready to grab the phone, Deadpool put a hand on Spideys head, and held him there, so he couldn't get the phone back.

"Hey! What-"

"Shh, you're going to cause a sene. What's your number Spidey? I wanna send you a shit ton of emojis all night"

"Ugh." What could he say? He was there to get numbers.

He told Deadpool the number, saw him put it in his phone, then his own number into Spideys phone, then hold it out to Spidey.

When Spider-Man went to grab it, Deadpool hung on.

"Now Spidey, I don't expect a goodnight text, but that'd be nice, just at least one convo a week, ok snucums?"

"Whatever, can I have my phone back?"

"Yeah here." Deadpool then threw the phone into Thors pizza.

Thor looked up and shot a warning look to Deadpool, to which replied by putting both hands on his face in faux utter shock.

Thor grabbed the phone, and tossed it to Spider-Man. Spider-Man turned to scold Deadpool, and saw him hanging from a ceiling light.

Shaking his head, Spider-Man used a web to joins Deadpool on the ceiling. Spider-Man hung upside down, and shoot another web into some pepperoni pizza and yanked it up to himself. Deadpool continued to eat.

A hour later, and with a few more numbers, Spider-Man was ready to leave.

When he opened a window, Deadpool was right there.

"Hey Sugar-Plum, ya think you could let me try?"

Spider-Man sighed, but wanted to see where he was going with this.

"Try what?" He asked, making absolutely clear on what Deadpool wanted to do.

"Well what else? Give me a strand"

"K hold on, which way do you want to go?"

"How 'bout Main Street?"

Climbing out of the window and onto the side of Stark tower, Spider-Man shot a web onto the helicopter pad a few stories up, and pulled about 10 ft of the strand out of his wrist.

Before handing the strand to Deadpool, Spider-Man had to know a few things.

"Ok, Deadpool, you hold onto the strand and let loose when you want to go lower but you can't go back up and it won't let go of the helicopter pad, ok?"

"Sure, I got it"

"And one more thing," Spider-Man was alarmed that Deadpool was already about to jump, "try not to hit something, it helps to have all your bones intact"

"Ok mom, I won't stay out to late"

"Whatever, you land b-"

Spider-Man never got to finish as Deadpool jumped and swung to the left, away from Main Street.

Watching him, Deadpool was a natural.

Until he didn't swing low enough to land on the ground.

Then swung backwards.

Into the street.

A bus slammed into him.

He didn't let go of the strand.

The bus slowed down and he fell off the windshield.

Listening, not all to closely, Spider-Man heard a distance fuck come from Deadpool.

Deadpool turned around, and hobbled down the street, a leg and arm broken.

Quickly turning around to look up to the Spider on the building.

"Love you Spidey-Bear!"

"Whatever!"

Blowing a kiss up the the Spider, Deadpool continued on his way.

Spider-Man had enough for the day, and swung back to his apartment to sleep in some more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Peter took off his costume and went back to bed, utterly tired from the hour of socializing with the Avengers.

Especially Thor. Thor talked to much.

Closing his eyes he snuggled deeper into the covers, trying to go to sleep.

He finally did get to sleep, but another beeping sound woke him up.

Reaching for the phone, Peter saw a text from Deadpool. The contact name was ridiculous.

 **LovePool**

Peter groaned and looked at the text.

 **LovePool;** ** _hello sugar plum, wanna go on a date?_**

Over at Deadpools apartment, Wade Wilson was looking at the spiders name gleefully. This guy was just perfect. Sarcastic, great at climbing and over all really fun to tease.

Peter tapped out a response, more than Wade had ever asked for. They both wished they knew what the others real name was though, saying Spider-Man and Deadpool got tiring quickly.

 _(Deadpool had the contact name the entire time, to bad it wasn't real)_

 **The Spider-Lover;** ** _Hey Deadpool, what are you doing?_**

 **LovePool;** ** _Not much, just full from the pizza, next time they should get some chimichangas though_**

 **The Spider-Lover;** ** _What's a chimichanga?_**

 **LovePool;** ** _What!? Chimichangas are the life-blood that runs through human existence!_**

 _ **And loved by Mexican food enthusiasts.**_

 **The Spider-Lover;** ** _when would this date be?_**

 **LovePool;** ** _oh, let's say, this Friday, 5 pm?_**

 **The Spider-Lover;** ** _and where would this be?_**

 **LovePool;** ** _Armondo's Mexican on 10th and maple._**

 **The Spider-Lover;** ** _sure, why not_**

 _ **Umm, what should I where?**_

 **LovePool;** ** _You should where a suit and tie over your spider suit._**

 **The Spider-Lover;** ** _and what will you be wearing?_**

 **LovePool;** ** _you'll see._**

 **The Spider-Lover;** ** _see you then_**

 **LovePool;** ** _Yay!_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Friday came all to soon. Pulling out his rented tuxedoe, the Spider pulled it on over the suit. This was ridiculous! But, it was Deadpool so, what to expect.

Peter smiled, remembering the first time they met. Deadpool had smashed through a window, glass poking out of his face, looked to the Spider, and said with a very serous voice,

"BLAH SKF SOCB EAGK FO DO!"

He then went on to claim that he was Spider-Man from the future and that he just came by to say hi.

The Spider double checked the google instructions and swung out of the apartment.

When he got to the restaurant he got a text from Deadpool.

 **LovePool;** ** _Running a little late! Look for the loudest car!_**

 **The Spider-Lover;** ** _ok, I'm on a lampost, I'm sure you'll see me._**

Almost as soon as he hit send, the most annoying horn rang out in that high pitched tune that all annoying cars have. Spider-Man looked over and saw a bright pink bug pulling up at the restaurant.

The driver seat opened and out came, what Spider-Man assumed, was Deadpool. Except, over the usual red and black outfit, was a bright pink tutu. Deadpool looked like a six year old cross dresser gone wrong. The pink tutu, the pink shoes that had fluff flying off everywhere. The pink ribbon around his head. He held a pink wand in his right hand and a pink wallet in the left. To top it all off he wore a crown that looked like he stole it from the good witch from the east.

Spider-Man could hardly comprehend the sight before him. Still standing on the lamp post, he called out to Deadpool.

"What the hell are you wearing!?"

Looking up, Deadpool saw the Spider standing and staring in utter shock.

"Shnucums! You're here!"

"You didn't answer my question." Spider-Man wanted answers.

"Oh, well I borrowed the car from a friend."

"I mean the outfit"

"You don't like it?"

"Just one more question, WHY!?"

"I knew you'd like, now, shall we go to dinner?"


	4. Chapter 4

"Deadpool, why are you avoiding the question?"

"You don't like it?" Deadpool sounded very sad all of a sudden.

To make it worst, there was a group of people staring at the pair. There had been a group before looking at the spider in his suit and tie. He was especially easy to see up on the lamppost.

"I, I just don't know what to say" Spider-Man took a step back and gave Deadpool another look at "it's very, um, very colorful?"

"Yeah, I was going to wear blue, but I realized that we might match a little too much." Wade was just having the time of his life underneath the mask. He put his hands on the spiders shoulders, wishing he could take off both masks and look at the lovely spider directly in the eyes, but, what would he do if he saw all the scars and marks on the mercenaries face? Deadpool just couldn't take that chance.

Spider-Man moved his head in a way that made it so obvious that he was rolling his eyes.

"Oh, so sassy" Deadpool joked, pinching his face, trying to lose the tension of the situation. He was sure Vision would be able to tell how awkward this was.

"Well, ," Spider-Man said, some-what more comfortable with Deadpools strangeness, "shall we go inside?"

Deadpool honestly felt butterfly's in his stomach. The spider not only finally got the date moving along, he had, very bravely, moved out from underneath Deadpools hand, and had put an arm around his side, and held an arm out to gesture to the door.

"Oh yes! Shall we?"

Deadpool was so excited he almost felt like he was riding pinky-pie into the sunset.

Stepping towards the door, Spider-Man reached out and opened it, allowing Deadpool in first.

When they both got in, Spider-Man saw that it was rather fancy, for that part of town at least.

A man came over and just stared at the two for the longest time. Eventually one of the waitress saw him staring at the pair. She walked over and gave him a little shove. He stumble and went into the kitchen. A few seconds later, the sound of laughter was ringing in the pots and pans.

"I'm so sorry, he's new here and well," she paused, trying to word it just right, "we don't get costumers as, interesting, as you"

"Its my shoes, isn't it?" Deadpool stuck one foot out and reveled pink fluffy step-ups shoved over his oversized feet.

The waitress gave a little laugh before taking them to a table and handing them each a menu.

They both opened the menu. Spider-Man tried to ignore all of the stares but he felt as if there was a weight on his shoulders. He took a glance over to Deadpool and it seemed like he didn't notice all the people.

(truth be told, Deadpool was almost shitting himself he was so nervous)

"So Spidey, watcha ordering?" Deadpool was trying to break the silence.

"I dunno, I'm wanting something sort of spicey, what about you?"

"I'm thinking an enchilada or tamale"

"What about those, what did you call them, chimichangas?"

"Their ok, not the best, just a fun word to say"

"Oh" was all the spider could manage.

"How are you two doing?"

The waitress had popped out of nowhere, making the two men jump. They both were on edge and weren't really paying attention to their surroundings.

"Fine, just fine, thanks" they both said in unison.

"Ok then, what do you want to order?"

Spider-Man spoke first.

"Um, I'll have a Sprite, no ice, and, uh, the uh, chicken tamales, extra spicy"

"Ok, so what you want toppings on that?"

"Um, yes all of them. Please"

"Sure thing and you?" The waitress had turned to Deadpool.

"I'll take the same thing, thank you"

Deadpool quietly swore to himself. There he is, trying his best not to give away how fucking sweaty he was, sitting across from what had to be the most adorable (and only) arachnid he ever met.

But to make matters even more stressful, there was his ex, as their waitress! Of course she didn't know that the Merc with the Mouth was Wade Wilson, for all she knew, Wade was dead, but there was always that slight chance that she might recognize his voice! Oh GOD was he freaking out!

"Okay than I will be right back with your drinks"

As she left, Deadpool relaxed, and turned to his date to see the spider had also turned his attention to his date. They both were on edge.

Deadpool tried to break the awkward silence.

"So, uh, you don't take ice in your drink?"

"No, it takes away from the soda. After about 10 minutes all you have left is a sweaty glass of a water-soda thing"

"Ah, never thought about it that way"

They almost fell back in silence but before they could the waitress had come back with the drinks.

"Here you go, your food will be here in a little bit"

"Thanks"

Deadpool had been quite for the entire conversation between the two.

Spider-Man had noticed this but just shrugged it off as being nervous.

So, they both sat there in silence.

(Now, I'm not all to good at writing so I'm going to skip the silence to when they get food)

"Here you, two go" she had seen some strange costumers, but these two topped the list. She wasn't quite sure what to call them.

"Will you be needing anything else?"

"No, thank you though"

With that she walked away, to gossip with the staff about them either being actual avengers being kinky, or normal people with a lot of dedication and a huge fetish. Either way it was hilarious.

They both, somewhat stiffly, picked up their forks, and suddenly remembered their masks.

Spider-Man was the first to mention this.

"So, uh, how are we going to eat? Just pulled up mask or full face?"

 _Holyshit Holyshit Holyshit_

 _HOLY FUCKING SHIT_

 _He was really nervous._

"Umm, half mask, secret identifies and all"

Deadpool could NOT let the spider see his face on the first date.

So, they both pulled up their mask halfway, Deadpool grabbed the hot sauce and tapped out the perfect amount.

Spider-Man on the other hand had a huge pimple on his cheek. The mask pushed it down so there was no bump but he was trying his best to keep it under the mask while eating.

 _He was to old for acne! And on, was this an actual date? He wasn't quite sure. Deadpool had said that it was but, he was Deadpool, he always joked around. Was Deadpool gay? He had to be into girls, right?_

 _Peter never heard Deadpool say anything to make him think he was straight, but he wasn't sure if he was gay. He might be bisexual. Peter wasn't even sure what he was. Hey did like Mary Jane, but a few times he had pushed around in the locker room and called gay._

 _But they knew nothing about him. So, was Peter gay or not!? Argh! He didn't know, was Deadpool actually flirting with him? Or just teasing? Was he enjoying the attention? He didn't fucking know!_

(Meanwhile, in Deadpool's head)

 _'Sure, I'll have the same thing'_

 _Jesus I couldn't have thought of a worse thing to order._

 _'So, no ice?'_

 _Fuck!_

 _He was embarrassing himself to the core._

 _God this guy was going to drive him crazy! He never even made a move except opening the door._

 _Wait, was the spider gay?_

(and yes, he has the same long convo with himself about who was gay, I'll give you the short version)

 _Ok, ok, ok, so, I don't know if Spider-Man is gay or not, I am bisexual, but what about him!?_

(Tadaa!)

"Um, ah, soo, what do you think of this place?"

Deadpool was trying his absolute best to not embarrass himself. But simply put, he was pretty sure he was.

"It's ok, uh, foods great, I've never had a better tamale"

Jesus Peter was bad at this. Adding the sexuality on top made this ripe for a disaster.

Peter had to know. He was going to ask.

"Earlier when you told me about chimichangas, that really made me think you were going to buy one"

Ah Peter, he thought to himself, maybe you should be chicken-man instead.

"Well, their not all that good, just a fun word to say"

"Oh"

He was going to a question but both of their phone beeped.

Reaching down, they each grabbed the SHEILD phones and saw an emergency was happening.

Bank robbery, only 30 blocks away. Spider-Man was asked to get there, and Deadpool was told to be on standby.

"Well damn, you'd think they didn't like me"

"Hey, standby just means be ready, doesn't say anything about distance"

Spider-Man was being a little rebellious. He had (almost) never disobeyed authority. He was just trying to sound badass.

"True, I'll get the check"

Deadpool had asked, he'll pay.

"No need, I got it"

This was almost perfect, he got to sound badass and be a gentleman.

"If you insist"

"I do"

"Ok then let's go!"

Spider-Man paid and saw Deadpool climbing into a cab.

"Hey! Why don't you hitch a ride with me?"

Deadpool was in the car, but opened the window and climbed out with a quick sorry to the driver.

"Really?"

Oh god, he didn't think Deadpool would actually say yes!

"Sure," he said, trying sound really chill, "just hold on to me"

So, with all the pink fluff on and Spider-Man still in the suit and tie, they both swung to the bank.

 **Hey guys, hope you are all enjoying this, could I get some feed back?**

 **Sorry I haven't updated in soo long, lost my phone at a track meet and found it in the buss last week, I'll try to not do that again!**

 **Any ways, the person who gives the best feedback, can name the waitress! I haven't seen many fanfictions that interacts with the readers very much. I'll announce the winner at the end of the next chapter. I assure you, she'll be back, unless you don't want her to.**

 **And please, ask a few questions, I'm around 70% sure I know the answer**


	5. Chapter 5

The Match 5

The bank robbery was super mediocre, at least on the Avenger scale.

Spider-Man classified this as a 8 out of 10 on the other hand. Being new to the avengers, and still being new as a hero in the first place, he did tend to act like everything was a code red.

When the two masked crusaders arrived at the bank, they were greeted by the police, who gave them the run down.

3 armed robbers had walked into the bank, wearing animal masks. As far as the police knew, they had 4 hostages and were demanding that they be allowed to walk out of the bank, no shots fired, and drive to Mexico, otherwise they would shoot the hostages and kidnap more.

The police currently had all their attention and the plan was to have the avengers swoop down behind them, knock them out, and allow the police to arrest them.

(Spider-Man was the only avenger required to be there, as it was a pretty simple objective, and with his reflexes, it should be no problem. 3 other avengers, including Deadpool, were on standby, ready to assist)

Deadpool coughed loudly and let the policeman know, that he was perfectly capable of of "assisting" Spider-Man.

They both went to the back of the bank and crawled to opposite ends of the main room, behind the robbers. Spider-Man climbed up the wall to the sky light to attack the apparent leader of the crime.

"Get to the fucking ground bitch!"

A robber with the pig mask threw a hostage to the floor, ripping out some of her dark red hair.

It was clear, while most of the hostages had done exactly has the robbers had said, this one woman had put up a fight. Most likely why she was away from the others.

Spider-Man looked down to Deadpool, who seemed equally shocked at their aggressiveness.

The Pig mask pointed the gun to her face, tired of her resistance.

"Now," he said slowly, "one more move, and we'll get a quick lesson on what your brains look like on the floor."

She stopped, and glanced up at Spider-Man, who was finally able to put a name to the face. They had sent in Natasha, maybe just to make sure that they did it right, or it did just so happen that she was at the bank and was now being shoved around by bank robbers in animal masks.

The idea is as ridiculous as it sounds.

Spider-Man nodded in Deadpool's direction, letting her know that he wasn't alone. She glanced to him, then back at the robber. Everyone, except pig mask, knew what was about to happen.

Almost magically, Natasha kicked out her left leg into the knee of the gunman. He yelled out in shock, misfiring in Spiders direction, and started to go down. The bullet ricocheted off the wall behind Spidey and landed on his left shoulder. He felt nothing, and it was practically nothing there. The other robbers, a horse and a giraffe mask, lifted their guns to shoot Natasha. Deadpool responded by tackling the giraffe, and Spider-Man jumping on the horse. They were out instantly.

The pig, on the other hand, was being lifted into the air by Natasha, and then punched once in the face, going out cold.

Deadpool went over to the hostages to help some up, while Spider-Man shoot the robbers together with webs, as one was already waking up.

Natasha on the other hand, stood there, and surveyed the area. What she was looking for wasn't all to obvious.

Spider-Man finished tying them up, and tried to see what she was looking for.

Deadpool finished helping to hostages and climbed back up on ceiling, and was dangling from his knees.

"There were 5 bank robbers, 2 must have gotten away," Natasha turned to look at the spider, and saw Deadpool up near the skylight. "Would you get down from there?"

Wade made a noise, and dropped down in his pink tutu and heels, resulting in both heels shattering.

He then put both hands up to his face in a faux surprised moment.

He bent over and picked up a strap, that still had a very sharp shard on the end. But he thing was, when he pulled on the strap, it was pulled out of his actual heel as well.

With blood and what was left of the hot pink pumps on the floor, this had to be the weirdest day of Spider-Mans life. He wasn't to sure about Deadpool though.

"Maybe they took off their masks and hide with the hostages before we got here, knowing that they would be caught" Spider-Man had turned to Natasha, trying to make this a little less wired, as he suddenly realized how strange the pair must have looked to her.

"Sure," Natasha had a hard time with new recruits, but her time with Banner helped her be a little more patient when out of character, "you'll need to check the security cameras and hope the quality is good, but maybe check the hostages before they all leave?"

"Right" Spider-Man was glad she wasn't to keen on what they were wearing.

 _a few seconds later_

Spider-Man and Deadpool were looking over the crowd. Deadpool walked down the stairs to talk to an officer, trying in every way possible to impress the spider. Spider-Man wasn't even looking at Deadpool though, he was sitting on the satire railing, searching for someone who was trying to hard to blend in. But their was no one. Either they knew how to act, or they ran off soon enough to not get caught.

Deadpool suddenly appeared next to the spider, explaining what had he and the officer talked about.

They had apparently let all the victims go, but not after getting their names and their numbers down. They didn't try to verify the numbers or names though, thinking that there were only victims in the crowd.

"How many numbers are there?" Spidey wanted this case to be over already.

"34 cell phones, and 2 addresses out in the country"

"Do we have to go though _every_ one!?"

"Yes," Natasha popped up beside them, also tired, these newbies could be soo annoying.

"We need them to be brought to justice," Natasha said, and looking over to Deadpool, she added, "alive"

"Wow, you really think that this spider could kill?" The merc always found a way to joke.

Parker couldn't help it, he fell off the railing laughing.

Natasha and Deadpool stared.

"Maybe you two should take it easy tonight, I get how this might have been a stressful day for you" she understood crying from stress, but not this.

Spider-Man laughed even more, almost rolling down the stairs, before Deadpool picked him up and saw a small hole in his shoulder. He nodded Natasha over who then saw the problem. A sudden ripple moved underneath the area around the hole, making Spider-Man laugh even more violently.

"Let's take him to a tower, something's very wrong"

Deadpool slowly nodded in agreement, and started to carry Parker, as he laughed even more, to Natasha's car.

 **Hey guys, sorry it's been awhile, I lost my phone at a different school while at a track meet, later found it on the bus. Hope you are enjoying this story, and I'm still accepting ideas for the name of the waitress the previous chapter. Not even one person has commented...I'll set up a poll to see if you guys want her to come back in later chapters**


	6. Chapter 6

**SoraMalfoySlythern: _Sooo glad someone caught that... I am trying to keep the story restricted to the avengers and x men but what's the harm in adding a little nod to one of my fav villains? Plus I do think that story will need a, well a laughing side... even I it is a little dark_**

 _And I present to you this spelling cattrophey of a story,_

The Match 6

"Well, there's nothing wrong with him," the doctor hesitated, she knew that they wouldn't like what she had to say, "but he isn't ok"

"What do you mean!? Could we not talk in riddles, please?" Wade was out of costume and had absolutely no time for this shit. "He's been laughing like a mad man for an hour! Now WHY!?"

The doctor sighed, "Well, there's no sign of any toxins or anything at all in his system, but he isn't ok, I can't find anything that's causing this, even the bullet hole that you pointed out to me. And no, I don't know why he wasn't able to dodge it," she managed to say before Wade could interrupt "the wound is healing very quickly, almost like a healing factor, when you brought him in, it was fresh. Now it looks like a year old scar."

"What about the ripple we saw?" Natasha was very concerned, she hated people getting hurt on her watch.

"I can't explain any of it, he's hardly stopped laughing, once or twice to breath, but other than that, he's perfectly fine."

Wade stared at her, he was sure she wouldn't lie to him, especially after he made such a big deal about needing to know, he was extremely worried, but there was nothing he could do.

"Thank you for your time," he was feeling guilty for not being able to help him, "could you keep me notified about him? If there's any changes?"

"Sure thing"

He nodded, turning on heel he walked as fast as he could out of the room. Natasha didn't try to stop, thinking it better to let him sort through his feelings.

A while later, and after a lot of walking, Wade found himself on the edge of a cliff. His favorite place to go and watch the ocean.

As he walked to the edge, he heard a woman yelling.

He looked to the bottom of the cliff and saw a woman about to be beaten and possibly raped by two huge dudes.

He stared, barely comprehending what was happening below his feet. Sitting down, he looked long and hard down at the woman, something familiar about her. Without really thinking, he jumped off the cliff, aiming his ass right at one of the guys faces. In his time as a badass mercenary, he was able to tell distance very well and knew when he would break some bones. Broken bones were nothing new but they still took a good half an hour with 5 pizzas to heal, and he didn't think she had that much time available to her.

Within a few seconds, he jumped onto one of the attackers, squashing him down very easily, and with a very loud thumph.

Turning around, the second attacker saw the heavily scarred Wade Wilson sitting on the face of his accomplice.

"What kinda sicko are ya?" The attacker seemed genuinely disgusted at the sight before him.

Wade couldn't help it, he laughed at this guy. There he was, about to beat and rape a woman, and he was asking what kinda sicko Wade was?

"Well, I'm the kind that can't die" Might as well get a one liner in.

"Let's test that" oooOooooOOOoooohhhhhHhhhHh this guys has one liners as well.

Wade knew he could beat this guy, and get in some more one liners as well. Standing up, Wade was so ready to catch this guys hands. The arm went back, and the started to go forward with as much

 **BOOM**

Wade jumped at the noise, loud, close and unexpected, a hand gun went off.

The guy in front of him instantly fell to the ground.

He stood and looked down at the now dead man, then he saw the woman standing against the cliff, gun in hand.

Shaking, she shot at the guy Wade had been sitting on straight in the nose. Still shaking she shot one bullet square in Wade's jaw.

As he stumbled back, surprised at being shot after saving her fucking life!

His jaw healed almost instantly, the bullet falling out, making the woman shot Wade again. After she emptied 2 more rounds in to him, Wade stood up, rather irritated, and yelled at the woman.

"Ok Jesus! You've shot me enough, and if you need a witness for your self defense trial, I suggest you stop pissing me off!" Wade was tired, and those shot were working his stomach up. He was broke and didn't need to be buying more food.

She stopped, but held the gun up still, pointing it at the now stirring Wade, and advanced, clearly seething.

"GOD DAMN IT WADE! WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AND DIE!" The woman screeched at Wade, who was finally able to put a name to her.

"...oh fuck, you again!?"

Sorry the story took such a turn. But people always have the bond between two characters set up before something terrible happens. Wanted to make it more realistic plus I'm still experimenting at my style, always funny, or dark and serious. And still the waitress needs a name or should she even stick around?


End file.
